fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." ~Nelson Mandela

orange

I never thought I would willingly wear orange to show my support for a sport, but after last night, I'm ready to buy an Oregon State shirt. I was trying to sleep off a headache/migraine on the couch while B was watching the game, but it kept drawing me in...I lasted almost until the 4th quarter, and was happy to see this morning that the Beavers took the Trojans! Both of the Rodgers brothers played amazing games, but don't forget to credit the entire O-line for providing the protection they needed in order to create those opportunities.

The older brother James had some great moments, but Jacquizz was crazy! He was all over that field, and I never saw the little guy go down after the first contact...it took several of the bigger Trojans to contain him each time. And for the record ESPN guys, they didn't stop that play b/c his helmet came off, they stopped it because they thought his knee touched the ground (which it didn't).

It is doubtful USC will be able to get back into the race for the championship game, because even if they go undefeated, none of the teams they play (in what they've been calling the PAC-1 - should we now call it the PAC-none?) are ranked.

Now, we just have to handle our business at home, but that will not be easy. We have 8 games remaining in this regular season, and 5 of those 8 teams are currently ranked in the top 25...and GT might be by the time we play them. So, we just have to stay steady, stay strong, stay injury-free, and take it one weekend at a time...

What an exciting season!

movies that make me cry

I watched a little bit of "I am Sam" this past weekend, and I cried like a baby. Not just once, but several instances during the movie. It was kind of refreshing for me, because I have a hard time crying or dealing with emotions. I rarely cry when its appropriate - you know, funerals and ultra sad moments and such. Most of the time I bottle it up, push it back, deal with the "now" in a fairly emotionless manner, and then it comes back to me later. I remember finally grieving with tears over the loss of my grandfather a full two years after he passed.

The exception is with pets - don't ask me why it is easier to mourn so openly for pets versus people, but that is the way it is with me....I have no answers for ya there.

Anyway, every now and again, when I'm feeling too hard and brittle and cynical, I may pop in a movie that will lead to a few tears, just to remind myself that I am human. "Steel Magnolia's" is a good one, and don't laugh, but "Lilo and Stitch" always gets me when the little girl gets taken away from her sister. Old classics, like "Where the Red Fern Grows" of course, a little "Like Water for Chocolate", "Silence Like Glass", and new classics like "Million Dollar Baby" and "Good Will Hunting", "The Notebook", "A Time to Kill", "My Girl", "Boyz 'N the Hood", and "Stepmom" do it also. And I'm not ashamed to admit that a little Extreme Home Makeover gets me sometimes.

I'm sure I'll think of more later. Oh yeah, "PS I Love You" tore me up. What about you? What movies get the saltwater flowing?

phobia

I was driving the other day up Barber, and there was a train in the way. I took a little shortcut that I know cuts under the train and brings you back up to Barber on the other side. As I crossed under the bridge, the lady in the car coming in the other direction had stopped, and would not go under the bridge. Several cars were behind her, people were shouting at her and honking their horns, trying to get her to go, but she was frozen in fear.
I'm not sure what the name of that phobia is, but my heart went out to her. I said to myself - I can't imagine being so scared of something so seemingly inconsequential. I can't imagine how the thought of crossing under a bridge could be so debilitating.

And then self answered back and said - Oh yes you do.

You see, I have a similar phobia. I am so scared of failing at my dissertation that I feel frozen at times. I can't go forward, I can't go back, and doing neither makes me feel oh so small. And we all know the name of that phobia. It is called cowardice.

Why am I such a coward these days? I don't know. I've always tried new things, persevered...I've succeeded, I've failed...as Mondo Bongo says - "such is life". Why now?

I have no answers. I just have to keep fighting that fear in my gut, that block, and put one foot in front of the other until I reach the finish line.

my anger and my shame

Never have I had negative thoughts about rec leagues or children's sports...until this evening. I was trying to get to the Y for my coveted workout with a close friend and my husband, and I was stuck in the parking lot, endlessly searching for a parking space among the rabid parents trying to get to their child's game on time.

This woman in a miniature blue car cut me off about 5 minutes into my search as we were both trying to go down an aisle to look for a space. No big deal. I keep circling...and circling...and circling. I call my friend and my hub to leave them messages while they are safely ensconced inside enjoying their workout, as I had finally given up after about 20 minutes. Then, alas, I see a space about to open up! I go near the space, turn on my left blinker to signal to the world that I am turning. The individual backs out, I get ready to turn, and guess who swoops into the space from the other direction?...The miniature blue car.

I lost it. I was so angry. She couldn't have heard me, and likely wasn't paying attention, but trust me when I say I was not heaping flattery upon her, and was behaving in a way that I can't remember behaving in over a decade. As I try and exit the parking lot, I pass her again as she is walking to her destination, and I make sure she feels the full force of my evil stink eye.
A space opens up just as I am leaving, I run inside, and catch my friend just as she is finishing up her workout. And I am hot! (as in hot-tempered :). I tell my tale to her and B, and my blood is just pumping.

Then, I get on the treadmill and run and zone out for a bit. And then, I begin to feel ashamed. How silly and small of me to lose it over something so minor. I prayed for forgiveness, for my mean thoughts and words, for exuding so much negativity.

Unfortunately, though such forgiveness is readily granted when we are truly repentant, there are some things that are not easily repaired. I was reminded instantly that what I did, besides acting like a fool, served to mess up my witness as a believer. How many of you know someone who has decided they did not want to have anything to do with Christianity because of one person's misrepresentation of it? How many of you are that someone? I know many. And I am sorrowful that I could be someone's stumbling block.

I'm reminded of the famous quote:
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians - who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world finds unbelievable."
And also of Gandhi's quote:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

But, gratefully, I am also reminded of a song by dcTalk I used to sing that reminds me of grace...: "What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
...
I hear you whispering my name, you say,
My love for you will never change..."

hymn

I've joined a local performance choir, and we are singing some wonderful songs, all of which are poetry put to music.
One of the songs that stays with me throughout the week is:

A Hymn to God the Father
~by John Donne~

Wilt Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which is my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run
And still do run, though still I do deplore?
When Thou has done,
Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done,
Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear that when I've spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
Swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore;
And, having done that,
Thou hast done,
I fear no more.

love

I love my husband, for many reasons, but here is a great example: He brought me dinner last night at school, worked with me until after 11, and then made me stick to my exercise plan by running/walking with me at midnight at the UGA track. And this isn't the first time he has done such things. This speaks "I love you" more loudly to me than cards, flowers, or words. I think he's finally figured out my love language :)

Try to figure out someone's love language this week - gifts? physical touch? words of affirmation? quality time? acts of service? - and love them accordingly.

The "Sparkplug" Strikes Again

This is about the same view that I saw at the game. We (Jess, Jill, Chuck, myself and 92K+) were all just hanging out semi-disappointed due to the Dawgs' lack of production when a super quiet Sanford Stadium erupted in amazement yet again. Leave it to Knowshon to do something unbelievable to create more excitement by going Vince Carter on that poor Chippewas.

I thought for sure that Knowshon's High-sman- like move would be all over ESPN when we got home from the game. To our disappointment, we stayed up half the night and ESPN managed to pooch us yet again. I tell you what, these cats never give us any respect. USC got more love on the best plays of the week and they were on a Bye week. I'm not kidding, I think I saw Mark Sanchez (USC QB) on an amateur video at McDonald's and the ESPN anchors were giving him props on his ability to eat a Big Mac without getting the secret sauce all over the place - C'mon!!

USC also managed to distance themselves even further in the current polls. How does that happen? Georgia handled their business by blowing out C. Michigan and we lose votes. That is ridiculous! I guess it doesn't matter. I actually like being #2 and having everyone focus on someone else. I think the Dawgs feel slighted just enough to keep them focused and hungry. Being # 1 in the W-O-R-L-D isn't our priority. That comes in January!

Ten Commandments from our Sweet Friends

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose
not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or
my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me pl ease. Never say you can't bear to watch.
Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

about Cash

I received an e-mail from an individual about the amount of exercise my dog receives. This person looked at my goals, and saw the 60 minutes per week that I allotted for walking my pup, Mr. Cash, and was concerned.

I thought it was great! I thank you for your concern, I love it when people care about pet care. To reassure, know that the 60 minutes is just my goal for my exercise w/ him, but that he actually gets much more exercise and enrichment than this. He gets regular frisbee and chuck-it sessions, wrestling sessions w/ his dad, occasional visits to the pup park and swimming sessions in the lake, and overall spoiling :)

Now, I will say, my cat does NOT get regular exercise. This fool doesn't like any of the cat toys or houses that we have bought for him. The only thing that gets him excited is a bug in the house, the cheap cardboard catscratchers, and beating up on Cash occasionally. Other than that, he sleeps and snores most hours of the day :) We like to spoil him w/ hairball treats and a bowl of milk every now and again, and we love to annoy him by rubbing his belly or pulling his tail :) You know what really gets him? When he is laying beside you, if you just find one single little hair sticking up and if you just move it around a little, his skin crawls, and he's off like a rocket. Of course, he's back for more in 2 minutes.

Go SPOIL your pet today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Compassion

My own personal ambassador of kwan (you know who you are... :) always reminds me to have compassion for myself, and I need the reminder for sure. Why is it that we are so much more easy and lenient towards others, but hardest on ourselves?

Do something today to be kind to yourself...forgive yourself, cut yourself a little slack, give yourself a compliment...

Love
Jess