mean

One of my favorite former students approached me in the hall earlier this week as I was "wearing the hat" of clinical supervisor. She asked me if I could please be her supervisor at some point during her clinical rotation. I commented that it was so nice of her to ask and I was honored. I then asked her why.

She said she needed someone to be mean.

What???? I looked at my students who I am currently supervising who were there with us and asked them what they had been telling people...

But my student, who I had previously taught for 3 semesters and who also worked on my research project for me, was very quick to try and explain that she just knew, based upon her history with me, that I would tell her like it is, tell her the bad with the good, and that she wanted that.

So, I was feeling a little better at that point, and less like an evil supervisor. I do make a habit of giving the good and the bad, as my goal is not for my students to like me, but to leave this university as a better clinician because of something they learned from me.

I'm sharing this because most of you have never seen me in this role as a firm and tough instructor/clinical supervisor, and wouldn't believe it if you saw it. A friend from church recently commented that she couldn't imagine me in that role because she couldn't imagine me ever saying anything to hurt someone's feelings or to make them feel bad.

Oh, if only she knew. I'm sure my former students have many stories about me...Yet I am confident that they will look upon those stories later (maybe much much later) and see that though they may not have liked my criticism or comments, that it was truthful, made them a better clinician, and never mean-hearted.

on point

From a new friend:

"Our action, or lack thereof, is the cause of our government. Politicians do no more than give an innovative response to the political system we have molded. By and large, we live for reality TV, fantasy sports, American Idol, and iPods yet, we are surprised when our leaders do not approach us by a higher standard. A government for the people and by the people cannot be adequately changed from the top down; we must work to change it from the bottom up.

Today we will exercise a right that the majority of the world does not know and may never experience. Today let us not retreat to the safety of inaction but take up our blood-stained rights, handed to us by a generation long forgotten. I urge you, my fellow Americans, to vote. Vote because you breathe this air, share this dream, and care for this country.

I am proud to call you my countrymen and look forward to sharing my right with you today as we embark into a new chapter of America. God bless America!"

~Clinton Rice

learning

I think one of the saddest things I have witnessed in the past several years that I have been teaching and supervising at the university, and most recently during the process of homeschooling my brother, is that people just don't want to learn or think for themselves anymore. There seems to be no craving for problem-solving, no infatuation with the mystery of it all, no critical thinking...

I don't know if this is a new thing. It feels like it is, but it could be just that my perspective has shifted as I add the job of "educator" to my lifelong career of learning. But, it seems like there is a utensil-virus spreading, in that students want to be spoon-fed everything. "Just tell me the answer, tell me where to find the information, tell me what you want me to do with this client, tell me what I should do next, tell me where I should look, I looked at this passage for 2 minutes and I don't understand so I give up..."

This is so frustrating! And so sad. When pushed, many of the students have to learn how to ...well, learn. Hopefully they appreciate it and take this skill and apply it to other areas in their lives. Yet others say, "whew, that class is over and I'll never have to do that again!"

Will this get better or worse as I continue along my career path? What can I do to ensure the former?

Hmmm...Something for me to think about and figure out.

conscience

Cowardice asks the question, is it safe?
Expediency asks the question, is it politic?
Vanity asks the question, is it popular?
But conscience asks the question, is it right?

There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe nor popular,
but he must take it because his conscience tells him that it is right.

~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

the 3 miles

In the previous post, I fantasized about running 3 miles.
It was as wonderful as I thought it would be.
Thanks B for speeding me up a bit, for keeping me under my goal time for all 3 miles.
And thanks Jonathan for not complaining too much :)
Back to work...

you know you're tired of working ...

when it seems every muscle, every joint, every bone aches from sitting for 16 hours straight, working...

when your mouse hand refuses to click anymore...seriously, I'm not in full blown dystonia yet, but I'm close...

when your eyes can't stay still to focus anymore...the muscles required for that activity are too fatigued...

whey you try to measure voice onset time (VOT) for fricatives in a spectrogram...just trust me, they don't exist for fricatives...

when you start dreaming of activities and errands to do that require you to stand...

when you start fantasizing about how wonderful a 3 mile run would be right now...

the first thing to go...

Isn't this the truth!

"Usually, when the distractions of daily life deplete our energy, the first thing we eliminate is the thing we need the most: quiet, reflective time. Time to dream, time to think, time to contemplate what's working and what's not, so that we can make changes for the better."
~Sarah Ban Breathnach

My Deep Thought

Hey everyone, I haven't been on here in a while, so I thought I would visit to add a quote of my own. I have read all of Jess' quotes (she loves the quotes) and it made me think about the one that I just randomly threw out one day when we were watching something on t.v. Here it is:

"When a difficult decision is presented that could ultimately shape the rest of your life, don't rush to decide...fall on your knees, not on your face."

Brent

perspective

"I am not qualified to comment on what has happened in the last week where this city has changed shape, certainly psychologically, and in terms of some people's wallets. And I'm not qualified to comment on the interventions that have been put forth. I presume these people know what they're doing. But it is extraordinary to me that you can find $700 billion to save Wall Street and the entire G8 can't find $25 billion to save 25,000 children who die every day of preventable, treatable disease and hunger."
~Bono, on the bail out

trust

I'm trying to learn more about trust and forgiveness, and ran across this...

"When we trust others, we reveal that we trust God and that we trust ourselves. We have not placed our hope in others' trustworthiness. We have placed our hope in a Savior who is completely able to come through for us. We do not demand demonstrations of others' ability to be trusted, because our ultimate trust is not in other people. That is not to say that we don't want others to do what they say they will or strive to honor their word, but it is to say we know that, ultimately, there will be times when others will let us down. They wil disappoint us and frustrate us, but we can choose to believe that their hearts toward us are good. We can bring trust to our relationships to enrich them with action and endow them with meaning."
~Nicole Johnson

planets

I am just wrapping up with the work, and am a little too wired to go directly to sleep. Today has been incredibly hectic with doctor's appointments and research, and to add to that, there have truly been some women v. men, Mars v. Venus occurrences over here in the ATH, even more so now that I have two males under my roof. I continue to be amazed at the differences between the genders. The challenge for me is that, though now I can use the word "amazed", that several hours ago it would have been "angered by", "ticked off", "baffled by", etc.

I just pray for the ability to get to that "amazed" perspective much sooner. Staying in those latter states really doesn't do anyone any favors.

snow

"The Eskimo has fifty-two names for snow because it is important to them: there ought to be as many for love."
~Margaret Atwood

my theme song

As I'm working on my prospectus one paragraph, one page, and one table at a time, this Johnny Cash song keeps popping in my head. I guess its my theme song :)

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAxdo5itr0I

brain in the sky

Took a late night walk with Brent and the pup, trying to work out this pinched nerve in my lower back. Walking back down the hill, almost to the house, looking at the night sky and the bright stars. I see in the clouds a nice brain - a good posterior-superior view, with a clear longitudinal fissure, nice convolutions, a brain stem in the back, and unfortunately a lesion in the right hemisphere. I'm describing this to Brent as I'm so excited to see the brain, and I'm free to be the total nerd that I am around him. Lovingly, he did not laugh or roll his eyes. He just listened, and actually, after so many years of marriage, knew most of the words that I was saying.
Finally in the driveway, the clouds have drifted, the brain is no more.

character

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
~Helen Keller

failure and success

"Nothing fails like success because we don't learn from it. We only learn from failure."
~Kenneth Boulding

fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." ~Nelson Mandela

orange

I never thought I would willingly wear orange to show my support for a sport, but after last night, I'm ready to buy an Oregon State shirt. I was trying to sleep off a headache/migraine on the couch while B was watching the game, but it kept drawing me in...I lasted almost until the 4th quarter, and was happy to see this morning that the Beavers took the Trojans! Both of the Rodgers brothers played amazing games, but don't forget to credit the entire O-line for providing the protection they needed in order to create those opportunities.

The older brother James had some great moments, but Jacquizz was crazy! He was all over that field, and I never saw the little guy go down after the first contact...it took several of the bigger Trojans to contain him each time. And for the record ESPN guys, they didn't stop that play b/c his helmet came off, they stopped it because they thought his knee touched the ground (which it didn't).

It is doubtful USC will be able to get back into the race for the championship game, because even if they go undefeated, none of the teams they play (in what they've been calling the PAC-1 - should we now call it the PAC-none?) are ranked.

Now, we just have to handle our business at home, but that will not be easy. We have 8 games remaining in this regular season, and 5 of those 8 teams are currently ranked in the top 25...and GT might be by the time we play them. So, we just have to stay steady, stay strong, stay injury-free, and take it one weekend at a time...

What an exciting season!

movies that make me cry

I watched a little bit of "I am Sam" this past weekend, and I cried like a baby. Not just once, but several instances during the movie. It was kind of refreshing for me, because I have a hard time crying or dealing with emotions. I rarely cry when its appropriate - you know, funerals and ultra sad moments and such. Most of the time I bottle it up, push it back, deal with the "now" in a fairly emotionless manner, and then it comes back to me later. I remember finally grieving with tears over the loss of my grandfather a full two years after he passed.

The exception is with pets - don't ask me why it is easier to mourn so openly for pets versus people, but that is the way it is with me....I have no answers for ya there.

Anyway, every now and again, when I'm feeling too hard and brittle and cynical, I may pop in a movie that will lead to a few tears, just to remind myself that I am human. "Steel Magnolia's" is a good one, and don't laugh, but "Lilo and Stitch" always gets me when the little girl gets taken away from her sister. Old classics, like "Where the Red Fern Grows" of course, a little "Like Water for Chocolate", "Silence Like Glass", and new classics like "Million Dollar Baby" and "Good Will Hunting", "The Notebook", "A Time to Kill", "My Girl", "Boyz 'N the Hood", and "Stepmom" do it also. And I'm not ashamed to admit that a little Extreme Home Makeover gets me sometimes.

I'm sure I'll think of more later. Oh yeah, "PS I Love You" tore me up. What about you? What movies get the saltwater flowing?

phobia

I was driving the other day up Barber, and there was a train in the way. I took a little shortcut that I know cuts under the train and brings you back up to Barber on the other side. As I crossed under the bridge, the lady in the car coming in the other direction had stopped, and would not go under the bridge. Several cars were behind her, people were shouting at her and honking their horns, trying to get her to go, but she was frozen in fear.
I'm not sure what the name of that phobia is, but my heart went out to her. I said to myself - I can't imagine being so scared of something so seemingly inconsequential. I can't imagine how the thought of crossing under a bridge could be so debilitating.

And then self answered back and said - Oh yes you do.

You see, I have a similar phobia. I am so scared of failing at my dissertation that I feel frozen at times. I can't go forward, I can't go back, and doing neither makes me feel oh so small. And we all know the name of that phobia. It is called cowardice.

Why am I such a coward these days? I don't know. I've always tried new things, persevered...I've succeeded, I've failed...as Mondo Bongo says - "such is life". Why now?

I have no answers. I just have to keep fighting that fear in my gut, that block, and put one foot in front of the other until I reach the finish line.