my anger and my shame

Never have I had negative thoughts about rec leagues or children's sports...until this evening. I was trying to get to the Y for my coveted workout with a close friend and my husband, and I was stuck in the parking lot, endlessly searching for a parking space among the rabid parents trying to get to their child's game on time.

This woman in a miniature blue car cut me off about 5 minutes into my search as we were both trying to go down an aisle to look for a space. No big deal. I keep circling...and circling...and circling. I call my friend and my hub to leave them messages while they are safely ensconced inside enjoying their workout, as I had finally given up after about 20 minutes. Then, alas, I see a space about to open up! I go near the space, turn on my left blinker to signal to the world that I am turning. The individual backs out, I get ready to turn, and guess who swoops into the space from the other direction?...The miniature blue car.

I lost it. I was so angry. She couldn't have heard me, and likely wasn't paying attention, but trust me when I say I was not heaping flattery upon her, and was behaving in a way that I can't remember behaving in over a decade. As I try and exit the parking lot, I pass her again as she is walking to her destination, and I make sure she feels the full force of my evil stink eye.
A space opens up just as I am leaving, I run inside, and catch my friend just as she is finishing up her workout. And I am hot! (as in hot-tempered :). I tell my tale to her and B, and my blood is just pumping.

Then, I get on the treadmill and run and zone out for a bit. And then, I begin to feel ashamed. How silly and small of me to lose it over something so minor. I prayed for forgiveness, for my mean thoughts and words, for exuding so much negativity.

Unfortunately, though such forgiveness is readily granted when we are truly repentant, there are some things that are not easily repaired. I was reminded instantly that what I did, besides acting like a fool, served to mess up my witness as a believer. How many of you know someone who has decided they did not want to have anything to do with Christianity because of one person's misrepresentation of it? How many of you are that someone? I know many. And I am sorrowful that I could be someone's stumbling block.

I'm reminded of the famous quote:
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians - who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world finds unbelievable."
And also of Gandhi's quote:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

But, gratefully, I am also reminded of a song by dcTalk I used to sing that reminds me of grace...: "What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
...
I hear you whispering my name, you say,
My love for you will never change..."

hymn

I've joined a local performance choir, and we are singing some wonderful songs, all of which are poetry put to music.
One of the songs that stays with me throughout the week is:

A Hymn to God the Father
~by John Donne~

Wilt Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which is my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run
And still do run, though still I do deplore?
When Thou has done,
Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done,
Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear that when I've spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
Swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore;
And, having done that,
Thou hast done,
I fear no more.

love

I love my husband, for many reasons, but here is a great example: He brought me dinner last night at school, worked with me until after 11, and then made me stick to my exercise plan by running/walking with me at midnight at the UGA track. And this isn't the first time he has done such things. This speaks "I love you" more loudly to me than cards, flowers, or words. I think he's finally figured out my love language :)

Try to figure out someone's love language this week - gifts? physical touch? words of affirmation? quality time? acts of service? - and love them accordingly.

The "Sparkplug" Strikes Again

This is about the same view that I saw at the game. We (Jess, Jill, Chuck, myself and 92K+) were all just hanging out semi-disappointed due to the Dawgs' lack of production when a super quiet Sanford Stadium erupted in amazement yet again. Leave it to Knowshon to do something unbelievable to create more excitement by going Vince Carter on that poor Chippewas.

I thought for sure that Knowshon's High-sman- like move would be all over ESPN when we got home from the game. To our disappointment, we stayed up half the night and ESPN managed to pooch us yet again. I tell you what, these cats never give us any respect. USC got more love on the best plays of the week and they were on a Bye week. I'm not kidding, I think I saw Mark Sanchez (USC QB) on an amateur video at McDonald's and the ESPN anchors were giving him props on his ability to eat a Big Mac without getting the secret sauce all over the place - C'mon!!

USC also managed to distance themselves even further in the current polls. How does that happen? Georgia handled their business by blowing out C. Michigan and we lose votes. That is ridiculous! I guess it doesn't matter. I actually like being #2 and having everyone focus on someone else. I think the Dawgs feel slighted just enough to keep them focused and hungry. Being # 1 in the W-O-R-L-D isn't our priority. That comes in January!

Ten Commandments from our Sweet Friends

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose
not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or
my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me pl ease. Never say you can't bear to watch.
Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

about Cash

I received an e-mail from an individual about the amount of exercise my dog receives. This person looked at my goals, and saw the 60 minutes per week that I allotted for walking my pup, Mr. Cash, and was concerned.

I thought it was great! I thank you for your concern, I love it when people care about pet care. To reassure, know that the 60 minutes is just my goal for my exercise w/ him, but that he actually gets much more exercise and enrichment than this. He gets regular frisbee and chuck-it sessions, wrestling sessions w/ his dad, occasional visits to the pup park and swimming sessions in the lake, and overall spoiling :)

Now, I will say, my cat does NOT get regular exercise. This fool doesn't like any of the cat toys or houses that we have bought for him. The only thing that gets him excited is a bug in the house, the cheap cardboard catscratchers, and beating up on Cash occasionally. Other than that, he sleeps and snores most hours of the day :) We like to spoil him w/ hairball treats and a bowl of milk every now and again, and we love to annoy him by rubbing his belly or pulling his tail :) You know what really gets him? When he is laying beside you, if you just find one single little hair sticking up and if you just move it around a little, his skin crawls, and he's off like a rocket. Of course, he's back for more in 2 minutes.

Go SPOIL your pet today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Compassion

My own personal ambassador of kwan (you know who you are... :) always reminds me to have compassion for myself, and I need the reminder for sure. Why is it that we are so much more easy and lenient towards others, but hardest on ourselves?

Do something today to be kind to yourself...forgive yourself, cut yourself a little slack, give yourself a compliment...

Love
Jess

I love your suggestions!

"Take the stairs at work. I know you've heard this before, but when you are on such a high floor like we are, it can seem a daunting task. So, take the elevator up to the 2nd or 3rd floor, and then walk the rest of the way up to the 5th floor."

"I will not step on a scale....My goal is not the number of pounds, its the number of sexy looks my husband gives me and how I feel in my clothes..."

Join Weight Watchers.

"Don't worry about pounds - take measurements and concentrate on inches lost."

"Sign up for an event - a 5K, an 8K, etc. You will likely work towards it so your money won't go to waste."

From a 2005 study at the University of Minnesota, researchers examined the self-reported weighing practices of many participants. Weighing at least weekly was linked to a lower body mass index (BMI), and daily weight measurements had the greatest weight-loss results in both groups.
http://www.weightwatchers.com/

"Throw all of that online BMI stuff out the window. It is not accurate."

Quotes

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."
-unknown

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."
-Zig Ziglar

It's that time again

Here is a look at our fantasy football draft for this year. Jess won our league last year and has already started to run her trap. I seek to avenge the beatdown she gave me last year. No girls can come in and dominate the league like she did. I will keep you updated.

To rise above last week's performance

This wonderful advice is from a mentor. I needed to hear it very much, not just in the exercise and nutrition arena, but in other areas as well - work/school, relationships, faith, etc....

"Last week is gone. This week is full of potential. Pick one of those things for this week. Just one. You can do this." ~EP

Maybe this will be helpful to someone else too!
More later
Jess

Week 2 results & Week 3 goals

Week 2 results:
F, or F- or G if those grades exist

Well, I am very disappointed to say that Week 2 was a complete and total failure. It was so bad that I'm not even going to bother reporting on goal progress, because most of them would have a big fat 0% as the entry. I failed on the nutrition side, because, well, "who is watching? who cares? I can get away with anything, right, when I'm busy and have no other choice...I'll do better next time...". Those are things I tell myself anyway. I don't know why I am not successful these days when I'm only accountable to myself, but I just can't seem to pull it off.

In the exercise realm, the only time I achieved success is when I had a workout date - same problem w/ "self-accountability", and I just didn't prioritize it, so that when things came up this week, it quickly fell to the wayside.

I wonder if this is why WeightWatchers is a good choice - isn't it all about accountability?

So, Week 3 goals are a repeat of last week, and I hope for more success.

Nutrition:
~Only 2 soda's allowed
~Eat a healthy breakfast every day
~If drink sweet tea, make it half sweet/half unsweet
~only 1 unhealthy fast food (e.g., burger and fries) meal allowed this week

Exercise:
~Walk dog at least 60 minutes
~Pilates x3
~Walk briskly at least 60 minutes
~Jog 6 miles, b/w 4.8-5.3 mph (at most, 12:40 mile)

Jess

Week 2 goals

Nutrition:
~Only 2 soda's allowed
~Eat a healthy breakfast every day
~If drink sweet tea, make it half sweet/half unsweet
~only 1 unhealthy fast food (e.g., burger and fries) meal allowed this week

Exercise
~Walk dog at least 60 minutes
~Pilates x3
~Walk briskly at least 60 minutes
~Jog 6 miles, b/w 4.8-5.3 mph (at most, 12:40 mile)

Week 1 results

Nutrition: B
Activity: C-/D

Week 1 goals were to:
~Attack my soda consumption. For now, I can drink tea, water, gatorades, etc., but am only allowed 2 soda's this week.
Status: Close but no cigar. I almost made it w/ only 2 soda's, but ruined it on a stressful Sunday evening with my 3rd. Still, it is an improvement. Other healthy behaviors emerged as a result of this goal - for example, my water consumption increased (but so did my sweet tea consumption :)

~Eat a healthy breakfast - I have been skipping this all too important meal for several months now.
Status: 86%; I ate breakfast every morning of the week, which is great, and 6 of those 7 meals involved healthy foods, though likely still not enough calories.

~Walk my dog for at least 60 minutes
Status: 100%, goal met

~Walk briskly (3.5-3.9 mph) for at least 60 minutes
Status: 75%; walked for 45 minutes

~Easy run for at least 40 min (b/w 4.9-5.3 mph)
Status: 63%; ran @ 5.1 mph for 25 minutes, BUT, my knee was bothering me a bit, so I did do the elliptical for 30 additional minutes

~Pilates x3
Status: 33% - only able to do x1

I definitely had more success w/ the nutrition aspect this week, but hope to improve next week in both areas. That is what life is, right, continual improvement...

Other healthy behaviors that emerged as a result of my new view of health and nutrition were: eating a taco instead of a huge burrito at Moe's, not ordering cheese dip all week which is HUGE for me, snacking on pickles at night instead of grabbing a 100 calorie pack, and substituting grilled chicken for fried chicken all week. Also, I only had 1 migraine this week, and it did not last as long as usual, turning quickly into a regular bad headache.

Week 1 goals

Here is my plan for the week. I'll update you on how well I adhered to it next week. Keep in mind that I am saying no to dieting, and saying yes to a lifestyle change, so I'm taking "baby steps".

My plan for this week in terms of nutrition is to:
~Attack my soda consumption. For now, I can drink tea, water, gatorades, etc., but am only allowed 2 soda's this week.
~Eat a healthy breakfast - I have been skipping this all too important meal for several months now.

My plan for this week in terms of exercise is to gear up for my 16 week running training program that was designed by SmartCoach (see the link on the right if you are interested), and I plan to:
~Walk my dog for at least 60 minutes
~Walk briskly (3.5-3.9 mph) for at least 60 minutes
~Easy run for at least 40 min (b/w 4.9-5.3 mph)
~Pilates x3

For now, I can break these time intervals up however I desire. It doesn't matter how many days I work out for now, it just matters that I meet these weekly goals. This way I don't beat myself up for missing one of my workouts, and then end up in that cycle of "well, I missed Tues, I screwed up, this week is shot, I'll just pig out and not exercise the rest of the week and I'll start again next week", as I am prone to do. I'll have no such excuse - I can just make it up because weekly minutes are my goal.

That's all for now - more later!
Jess

Your response

Your responses to my "Accountability" post have been wonderful, and I thank you for that. I thought I'd post on the blog some of the info you guys have shared w/ me via private e-mails, so others could also reap the benefits. And, if anyone reading this has more to share, some tried and true method that has worked for you, leave a "comment" on this entry so everyone can learn and enjoy.

Re: Nutrition
--> Roasted sliced beets and radishes over a bed of shredded carrots, with a raspberry salad dressing
--> Green beans with salt and Italian herbs
--> Green beans with balsamic vinegar
--> Marinaded roasted eggplant
--> Substitute hummus for mayonnaise

Re: Activity
--> Do something at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes
--> Run in place, dance in place, or do crunches while waiting on toaster or microwave
--> Squeeze the old gluteus maximus while waiting in line
--> Invest in a treadmill desk OR make your own

More later
Love
Jess

My boys

Accountability

Well, I guess the best way to ensure accountability is to go public…and since I am in dire need of accountability in this particular area in my life, here is the public announcement…though it is a little embarrassing.

I need to, no, have to, lose weight…again. Many of you remember that a little over 2 years ago, I lost a lot of weight, 38 lbs to be exact. It was a long process, and I was only able to accomplish it by working out about 3 x’s more than the average person. Well, during the process of comps, a little depression, mucho family drama, etc., I’ve gained all but 4 of those lbs back (hey, I’m a comfort eater, what can I say?). It is time to stop playing games with my health (and with my knees), so starting today, I am back in my HARD CORE mode!

I am being so public about it because:
1) I would not mind at all if you to ask me how it is going, if you ask about the progress – I will be honest with my answers, and that will help to keep me on task.

2) I know I am not alone in this situation, of yo-yo weight loss/gain, diets that don’t work, exercise programs that don’t work, etc…., so if my situation, and hopefully, my progress, can be of any help to you, I am willing to be transparent.

So, my end goal is to lose 50 lbs, to go down 6-8 sizes, to run a half-mara (with a respectful time this time), and to complete an olympic distance triathlon.

I’ll keep you updated.
~Jess~

19 Days to go!!

Bout time we got some respect. Only 19 days to go! We don't have our tickets just yet, but they will be in our hands shortly.

Life lessons by Max Lucado

We have started a little Bible study – Josh and I talked about it months ago, as we both realized we were slacking off in our spiritual lives and were subsequently experiencing the negative effects in our lives. I found a series of study guides that I found really inspiring, and we finally made the group study happen.

The study guides are titled “Life lessons with Max Lucado”. I am currently studying the “Book of Philippians” life lessons, which is a “Guide to Joy”. I encourage you to check out this line of study materials. I have been a Lucado fan for a long time – I have most of his books (thanks in part to my mom who is always vigilantly looking for books for me) – and was excited when I saw these new materials. And he did not disappoint.

The questions are great, really make you think, and much of the time, kick my butt in terms of….”Do I really have to answer that question?”…”No, I don’t really want to address that issue in my life right now…”

For example, one question went something like this…”If Paul were to write you a letter about your prayer/spiritual life, what would he say to you? What habits or qualities would he praise?”
Another…
“How much of an encouragement to others is your normal response to difficulty?”
And another…
“If humbling oneself and serving the needs of others requires no special training or gifting, why is it so rare?”

So, check it out when you get the chance.
~Jess~